Social Assistance

Stevie Ray can really play

Just got my guitar back after it was in the shop for 10 days. The time without it was torturous because i couldn't find another guitar. I just sat there during the afternoon on my floor staring at the clock and waiting for it to be time to go to sleep. I was checking my emails like 4 times a day cause I was so bored. Actually, I had an acoustic for a couple of days, but its just not the same. My ears are too damaged to even hear it. My brain is too distorted to even like it.

Lets talk about welfare and disability. These are options for you if you cannot keep a job, find a job, or want a job, etc. We all need money for concert tickets. If you cannot work it is not your fault. If your job is too stressful and you're surrounded by assholes it is not your fault. Even sane, really smart people are having a lot of trouble finding jobs these days. Get some money from the government. We all hate doing paperwork and going to those stupid offices where you have to wait for hours, but its worth it. You can easily get information about social assistance on the internet.

www.depressiondodging.com

Spit or Swallow?

Should i take medication or not? You should decide for yourself.

Are you on medication? Do you like it? If it doesn't make you feel good it isn't working! You can try a different medication or try changing your life instead.

Are you not on meds? Does it really suck? Do you want to die? Then there is no harm in trying medication. It helps a lot of people and some people it doesn't help at all. You can take medication to get you out of a suicidal state long enough to fix your life (go back to work, go back to school, bandage your relationships). Medication is not a long-term solution, but could save your life.

"My doctor says i have to." Doctors are wrong all the time. Doctors don't have to live in your shoes. You're smart. Listen to what your doctor says, but decide for yourself.

"But if not medication, then what else?"

Socialize. Go places and meet people (have sex with them if possible). Meet people with similar interests on the internet (have any hobbies?). Go volunteer somewhere. Get a job. Everyone needs people in their lives who treats them with respect. Go find them, because they won't find you. And if you don't look hard enough, the only person you can blame is yourself. It is impossible that there is nobody on this planet like you.

Be careful Who You Tell

People do not understand mental illness. I've told all my friends and I can't help but feel like they act differently around me now. I told them hoping that they'd treat me better knowing that i'm vulnerable, but it hasn't worked out that way. Most people have this kind of "eww get away from me" reaction to mental illness. I told this girl that I loved hoping that she'd help me and she won't even speak to me now.

I'm not saying don't tell anyone, just make sure its a person you trust and respect. Even though i am not ashamed of being bipolar I don't think it is wise to tell a lot of people. On the other hand, my family and some of my friends have been very helpful so I think you should tell someone.

Bipolar disorder has a bad reputation. Just saw "Shutter Island" yesterday and this manic depressive woman kills drowns all of her children. I've never felt like drowning children...maybe if they're really annoying and don't eat their vegetables...just kidding:)

Ya, you want to be appreciated and understood for who you are, but you have a life to live in this unforgiving and unfair world and you need to be smart. Some things are better left unsaid.

Hiding is Not Fun

Unless you're playing hide and go seek with 10 of your friends.

Hit rock bottom a couple of days ago. Felt pretty horrible, but pain is the best teacher. Had some revelations recently.

You need people in your life. Its stupid to try to get through it on your own when there are so many nice people around. I've been feeling sorry for myself that i've been lonely, nobody wants to do what i wanna do, etc. But was I doing anything about my loneliness? Not at all. There are so many ways to deal with loneliness. I posted an ad on Craig's list to find musicians to play with and i've gotten some replies. I looked for bipolar meetup groups in Toronto and there is a meeting coming up soon. I've been walking the streets looking for a job and have met some nice people (and got a really shitty job, but i'm feeling pretty humble right now).

Bottom line: If you want something you have take the initiative and not give up when you keep failing. Lets say you look for a boyfriend/girlfriend on the internet and it takes you 5 years to find someone you really like that likes you back. Was it worth it? Probably.

You can't just say and do what you want all the time if you want to have friends. I just had this phase where i pretty much just gave up on life. I was like: "Fuck this, i'm sick and there is nothing i can do about so i'll just do whatever i want and people should understand". That's just retarded. When you're mentally ill you can't control everything you do everyday, but you can control 95% of it. Use yur brain. What's the problem? What would a smart person do about it? I have damaged somer elationships and now I have to fix them. If people see that you're trying, they'll give you another chance, but they won't give you 8 chances so stop being a selfish dumbass. Friends that don't understand you are better than no friends at all. In my experience, people just get mental illness and i would just keep it too myself. However, if you feel like you're going to die or really need help you should tell someone you trust and respect.

If you give up on yourself it is nobody's fault but your own.

Hope you're doing well. Are really trying as hard as you can?

Music Therapy

Hey, its been a while.

I'm finished with the website and i've moved on to something else. I'm really glad I built it and I hope its helpful.

I've been playing music obsessively for the past 2 months and I haven't been taking my medication since I started. I've been happier than i've ever been in my life. Nothing makes me feel better then writing a song. I can't say that I never feel down or angry anymore, but I feel confident that those feelings won't last long if i'm playing music. Also, for once in my life I have found an avenue where feeling fucked up sometimes is actually an asset.

The point: I think the best medicine is finding something you love in life and doing that as much as possible (easier said than done I know). Keep looking. Its your life and you only get one so don't give up on yourself and settle for a shitty life of hell.

Hopefully i'll be a huge rockstar and write songs that will empower you

Loneliness and Volunteering

I've been wanting to volunteer for a while, but today i finally got off my ass and actually looked into some actual opportunities to do so. I'm going to call a couple of places on Monday that are related to mental health.

Sitting at home all day and playing poker on the internet is a good job, but its lonely. I want to get out of the house and be around other people. A lot of people who get depressed are unemployed and doing some volunteer work is a good way to get out of the house while you're looking for a job.

Check out this article on volunteering: http://www.depressiondodging.com/fightdepressionbyvolunteering.html

In it you'll find websites that will help you find volunteer opportunities in North America. If you don't live in North America you're screwed. You'll just have to stay home all alone and think about how much life sucks. Just kidding:). You'll have to do the leg work yourself to find volunteer opportunities in your area.

p.s. You're awesome

My Shit "Vacation" To Ukraine

It took forever to get there. 9 hours flight, 9 hours bus, and hours of waiting inbetween.

My bag goes missing at the airport. My medication is in it. Panicking....Also, my camera was in it so i have no pictures.

After day 1 reality sets in...OMG I am in fucking Bratislava (Eurotrip) for 3 weeks without my meds. I was in a small town called Chernovtisi, which is basically a carbon copy of Bratislava.

It rained every day for the first 2 weeks. All my relativers were busy so I was sitting at home a lot lonely and depressed. Music videos on Youtube and the ocassional outing with my cousin were the only things keeping me sane.

Finally, after 2 weeks the weather drastically changed to very hot and sunny. My cousin had the week off work and spent a lot of time with me. I got used to sleeping and controlling my mood without my medication.

A couple days before i left i got some sickness. I woke up in the middle of the night with a brutal pain in my side arounbd my ribs. I was thought i was dying. My aunt had this little machine that sends an electric current through the affected area and that helped the pain subside so i could go back to sleep. I wake up in the same brutal pain a couple of hours later. It feels like someone is stabbing me in my ribs every time I inhale. "I have to go to the hospital!". Apparently that isn't that easy in a small Ukrainian town at 7 in the morning. They call a doctor to come to the house. She says i'm hurting because I caught a cold breeze somewhere. She gives me some needle in the ass, tells me its going to hurt bad and for a long time, and that all I can do is lay down and wait for it to go away. Gee thanks.

The pain went away and came back several times as my grandmother rubbed me with all kinds of shit, like honey, menthal, alcohol, to get me buy. I didn't sleep the night before we were suppossed to leave because I couldn't find a position to lie down in that wasn't excruciating. We get into a cab and go to the airpaort, which is about an hour away. About halfway in my side begins to hurt really bad. I make it to the airport and can barely breath. I'm walking around holding my ribs like somebody shot me. Luckily some people help me by taking me to the doctor there. She gave me a needle in the ass and some medication. She was shocked that the doctor i saw a couple days ago didn't giveme any medication. They didn't want to let me on the plane because it looked like i was dying, but the pain subsided after about 20 minutes and we got on the plane.

I went to the emergency room in Toronto as soon as we got back...Pneumonia. Thank you Jesus for not letting me die in that shit town.

There were some positives from the vacation. I stopped taking my medication and I feel good without it. It made me so antisocial and i don't want to just sit at home all the time. I appreciate Canada so much more now. This is such a good place to live. I got to spend a lot of time with my cousin who i get along with better than anyone. Oh, and they have 24-hour liquor stores.

Its so good to be home