Hiding is Not Fun

Unless you're playing hide and go seek with 10 of your friends.

Hit rock bottom a couple of days ago. Felt pretty horrible, but pain is the best teacher. Had some revelations recently.

You need people in your life. Its stupid to try to get through it on your own when there are so many nice people around. I've been feeling sorry for myself that i've been lonely, nobody wants to do what i wanna do, etc. But was I doing anything about my loneliness? Not at all. There are so many ways to deal with loneliness. I posted an ad on Craig's list to find musicians to play with and i've gotten some replies. I looked for bipolar meetup groups in Toronto and there is a meeting coming up soon. I've been walking the streets looking for a job and have met some nice people (and got a really shitty job, but i'm feeling pretty humble right now).

Bottom line: If you want something you have take the initiative and not give up when you keep failing. Lets say you look for a boyfriend/girlfriend on the internet and it takes you 5 years to find someone you really like that likes you back. Was it worth it? Probably.

You can't just say and do what you want all the time if you want to have friends. I just had this phase where i pretty much just gave up on life. I was like: "Fuck this, i'm sick and there is nothing i can do about so i'll just do whatever i want and people should understand". That's just retarded. When you're mentally ill you can't control everything you do everyday, but you can control 95% of it. Use yur brain. What's the problem? What would a smart person do about it? I have damaged somer elationships and now I have to fix them. If people see that you're trying, they'll give you another chance, but they won't give you 8 chances so stop being a selfish dumbass. Friends that don't understand you are better than no friends at all. In my experience, people just get mental illness and i would just keep it too myself. However, if you feel like you're going to die or really need help you should tell someone you trust and respect.

If you give up on yourself it is nobody's fault but your own.

Hope you're doing well. Are really trying as hard as you can?

Music Therapy

Hey, its been a while.

I'm finished with the website and i've moved on to something else. I'm really glad I built it and I hope its helpful.

I've been playing music obsessively for the past 2 months and I haven't been taking my medication since I started. I've been happier than i've ever been in my life. Nothing makes me feel better then writing a song. I can't say that I never feel down or angry anymore, but I feel confident that those feelings won't last long if i'm playing music. Also, for once in my life I have found an avenue where feeling fucked up sometimes is actually an asset.

The point: I think the best medicine is finding something you love in life and doing that as much as possible (easier said than done I know). Keep looking. Its your life and you only get one so don't give up on yourself and settle for a shitty life of hell.

Hopefully i'll be a huge rockstar and write songs that will empower you

Loneliness and Volunteering

I've been wanting to volunteer for a while, but today i finally got off my ass and actually looked into some actual opportunities to do so. I'm going to call a couple of places on Monday that are related to mental health.

Sitting at home all day and playing poker on the internet is a good job, but its lonely. I want to get out of the house and be around other people. A lot of people who get depressed are unemployed and doing some volunteer work is a good way to get out of the house while you're looking for a job.

Check out this article on volunteering: http://www.depressiondodging.com/fightdepressionbyvolunteering.html

In it you'll find websites that will help you find volunteer opportunities in North America. If you don't live in North America you're screwed. You'll just have to stay home all alone and think about how much life sucks. Just kidding:). You'll have to do the leg work yourself to find volunteer opportunities in your area.

p.s. You're awesome

My Shit "Vacation" To Ukraine

It took forever to get there. 9 hours flight, 9 hours bus, and hours of waiting inbetween.

My bag goes missing at the airport. My medication is in it. Panicking....Also, my camera was in it so i have no pictures.

After day 1 reality sets in...OMG I am in fucking Bratislava (Eurotrip) for 3 weeks without my meds. I was in a small town called Chernovtisi, which is basically a carbon copy of Bratislava.

It rained every day for the first 2 weeks. All my relativers were busy so I was sitting at home a lot lonely and depressed. Music videos on Youtube and the ocassional outing with my cousin were the only things keeping me sane.

Finally, after 2 weeks the weather drastically changed to very hot and sunny. My cousin had the week off work and spent a lot of time with me. I got used to sleeping and controlling my mood without my medication.

A couple days before i left i got some sickness. I woke up in the middle of the night with a brutal pain in my side arounbd my ribs. I was thought i was dying. My aunt had this little machine that sends an electric current through the affected area and that helped the pain subside so i could go back to sleep. I wake up in the same brutal pain a couple of hours later. It feels like someone is stabbing me in my ribs every time I inhale. "I have to go to the hospital!". Apparently that isn't that easy in a small Ukrainian town at 7 in the morning. They call a doctor to come to the house. She says i'm hurting because I caught a cold breeze somewhere. She gives me some needle in the ass, tells me its going to hurt bad and for a long time, and that all I can do is lay down and wait for it to go away. Gee thanks.

The pain went away and came back several times as my grandmother rubbed me with all kinds of shit, like honey, menthal, alcohol, to get me buy. I didn't sleep the night before we were suppossed to leave because I couldn't find a position to lie down in that wasn't excruciating. We get into a cab and go to the airpaort, which is about an hour away. About halfway in my side begins to hurt really bad. I make it to the airport and can barely breath. I'm walking around holding my ribs like somebody shot me. Luckily some people help me by taking me to the doctor there. She gave me a needle in the ass and some medication. She was shocked that the doctor i saw a couple days ago didn't giveme any medication. They didn't want to let me on the plane because it looked like i was dying, but the pain subsided after about 20 minutes and we got on the plane.

I went to the emergency room in Toronto as soon as we got back...Pneumonia. Thank you Jesus for not letting me die in that shit town.

There were some positives from the vacation. I stopped taking my medication and I feel good without it. It made me so antisocial and i don't want to just sit at home all the time. I appreciate Canada so much more now. This is such a good place to live. I got to spend a lot of time with my cousin who i get along with better than anyone. Oh, and they have 24-hour liquor stores.

Its so good to be home

Kurt Cobain is my Homeboy

If I was married to Courtney Love I would probably kill myself too.

Thanks for making music that helped me get through my depressions.

Enjoy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63r4GMAmRqA
2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkcJEvMcnEg&feature=fvst
3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg
4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbgKEjNBHqM&feature=channel
5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fa30bdEXNeM&feature=related
6
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWmkuH1k7uA&feature=channel
7
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vabnZ9-ex7o
8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv96yJYhk3M&feature=related
9
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvwqSMRtoSI&feature=related
10
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2JgqF384cU&feature=related

p.s. I'm going on vacation to Ukraine. Be back in 2 weeks.

Boredom and Depression

I find that I get depressed when i'm bored and I get bored easily. I think everyone should have an acitivity in their life that is exciting. So far the only thin i've found that never gets boring is poker. It can be difficult when you're losing, but its never boring. I know that I can sit down and play some poker, and while i'm doing it I will not be thinking about any of my problems.

You can play for no money at a lot of websites, but I think its a little more interesting with a bit of money involved. Ideally, you would get a friendly poker game together with some friends and socialize a bit too.

Warning: poker is not for everybody. If you notice that it makes you depressed or angry, you should find something else to do.

If you have found activities that cure your boredom, i'd love to hear about them. Post a comment.

http://www.depressiondodging.com/

Drinking, Drugs and Meds don't Mix

Next time you get the urge to get drunk, do extacy, and smoke weed while being on psychiatric medication, don't. It'll just make you more depressed in the long run. Its good to see your friends, but you can't everything that they do when you're being treated for a mood disorder.

That cat is fiending for drugs. Its not as cute when humans are fiending for drugs.

You can find hilarious photos and videos here:

http://www.depressiondodging.com/treatingdepressionwithsmiletherapy.html