Wounds Teach us Lessons

A wise man once said that

Well, i'm learning my lesson now. This is my 3rd day in a row being punished. I'm being punished for being a dumbass and i will continue to be punished as such until i stop doing the same stupid thing over and over. I can't just go out and party like a normal person. They don't have to crash and be miserable like i do after. I'm turning 27 this year and i'm still running around getting shit-faced and getting into fights. I can't just keep acting like a little boy anymore and expect my life to get better.

You know when you just wake up in the morning and everything sucks? Well thats whats been going on in my world these past few days and I deserve it. When you're bipolar you can make the mistake of thinking that you have no self-control and that isn't true. We might have less self-control than an emotionally healthy person, but it doesn't mean we don't have any. A lot of the time its our own self-destructive decisions that get us into deep shit. Are we smart enough to make good decisions? Fuck ya!

So next time something painful happens to you, don't just feel sorry for yourself, but try to learn from your mistake so that it doesn't happen again.

Hope you (and I) wake up tomorrow and everything is spectacular:)

http://www.depressiondodging.com/

Can I Stop Drinking?

The green fairy and I are breaking up for good this time

So I spent all of today suffering pretty bad. I went out drinking last night, got in a fight, yacked on my floor...same old bullshit. Didn't take my medicine last night and spent today feeling ashamed of myself and depressed. Spent a lot of today in the fetal position hating myself and feeling so dumb. This has actually been happening a lot recently after a night on the town. Whatever benefits or freedom I got from drinking or drugs before are now nonexistent. Drinking just makes me more anxious, self-conscious and depressed. I'm pretty sick of making an ass of myself. I don't even know why I keep doing it. Its like this compulsive thing that i keep doing even though i know better and even though i have to suffer every time for it. I really wanna stop now. I'm hoping that telling you will help motivate me. I do get edgy sometimes because of work, but 1 glass of wine is enough to help me chill out. Also, I wouldn't mind saving that $75-100 I usually spend on a night out and spending it on something more enjoyable like painting supplies or a day at Canada's Wonderland.

Hope you're doing well and learning from your mistakes

http://www.depressiondodging.com/

Adversity Is A Good Opportunity To Find Out Who Your True Friends Are

In our case, bipolar disorder is the adversity.

In the last couple of years that i've been diagnosed with the disorder i've had a lot of lows. Some of my friends were there for me when i needed there help and some just avoided me. Though the last couple of years have been tough and confusing I have found out who my true friends are. Number 1 on the list is my family. I spent my teenage years trying to separate myself from them, but now i'm trying to bring myself closer. I have learned that nobody loves me more than them and they stuck with me through the toughest times. I also have some good friends who are willing to talk to when i'm unstable even if it might be uncomfortable for them or they have difficulty understanding whats going on with me.

These days i'm more stable than ever and now I know who doesn't give a fuck about me. I feel like i have less friends now, but i can trust the ones that are left.

Hope you're feeling good

http://www.depressiondodging.com/

My Medication Vacation is Over

I'm going back on the medication tonight. The last 2 days have been so up and down. I hung out with grandma and it was great. I felt the world so vividly when I went out in public and that was great. I felt love again and that was great. I got some great ideas for some new paintings and that was great. I never felt hungry even though I didn't eat for long periods and that was cool.

However...

I slept like a fugitive for the last 2 nights. Thoughts of every little imperfection about my life and myself have been keeping me from falling asleep, keeping from getting restful sleep, and causing me to wake up early. The lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me now.

I haven't gotten anything done. I haven't done any work because i've had so much anxiety about it. I haven't practised my music because I don't see the point. I haven't done any painting because I feel inadequate. When i take my meds i just put my head down and do what I have to do without overthinging and worrying about everything.

I've had feelings of complete worthlessness and hopelessness, which are completely paralyzing.

Bottom line...

I have shit to do and my medication helps me get things done. It was a fun little vacation, but vacations are always best in moderation anyways.

Hope you're doing well.

www.depressiondodging.com

This is What Love Feels Like

Hey everyone

Hope you're doing well

I stopped taking my medicine yesterday (why? I don't know. I guess I miss the power, energy, and joy I feel when i'm manic). I feel like an addict. Anyways, i've been having this incredible feeling of love all day. I almost wanna cry. I haven't felt this in a while because the medicine keeps me comfortably numb. I have this incredible urge to hang out with my grandmother and I will be in about an hour. She's so great and we never hang out. She's getting old and one day she'll be gone and i'll feel so sad that i never spent time with her. What's more important in life than spending time with people you love?

I know i'll crash eventually, but i hope its not today and i hope i'll be aware enough to go back on my meds before i do something self-destructive.

Wish me luck

Why is it so hard to stay on these meds?

So I stopped taking my medicine for about a month or so and it was great for about 2 weeks. I was flying. I flew high above the clouds and then I ran out of gas and crashed down to earth. It hurt. I was completely depressed and delusional. These highs that we get when he stop taking our meds are so tempting, but we always crash in the end and become self destructive. These medications make us tired and numb and no wonder we get the urge to escape and experience the mania we love.

My best results of not taking medication were when I would take it from monday to friday, then go out on Saturday (without taking it), and then start taking it again on sunday. On sunday I would usually have a really good day and it would be my reward for taking my medication all week. Although sometimes that sunday would be so good that I wouldn't want it to end. I'll think, "maybe i'm fine now."

I started taking my meds again yesterday as a little voice deep inside of me said, "Dude, this is not how you want to live your life. Take your pills now."

Will I ever learn?

Hope you're smarter than i am.

www.depressiondodging.com

A Reality Check

This is a nebula...its the most beautiful thing in the universe...except for you :)

Now to a revelation i had yesterday...

Life is short

You'll either get sick and die or get old and die

Do what you want with your life and do it now

Life is short

The people you love will either get sick and die or get old and die

Treat them well and show them you love them now

Have a nice day :)

http://www.depressiondodging.com/