An Experiment with Medication

i play the drums and fuzzball singS. we R looking 4 a guitarisT. email mE.

They say that you have to take your medication every day at the same time, but i'm just not convinced that that is the case. There has to be some kind of tropical island between zombie and spaz. When I take my medication every day I am sluggish for most of the day, timid, and sexually numb. As you can imagine, this is not appealing. I recently stopped taking my medication and have just been taking it on demand, when i really feel horrible. It has worked well for me. It numbs my pain, allows me to rest, allows me to see things logically, and resets my mind. After this i get to feel alive and creative again (though angry and depressed as well). I'm going to try to take it every other day and see how it goes. It seems like it would work for me. However, I am ultra rapid cycling and my depressed/irritable periods usually only last a couple of hours.

If your medication doesn't make you feel good you should change something. Consult your doctor before you make a change. Perhaps you can try a different dosage or different medication too.

Hope you're doing well and enjoying life. Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Your well-being is just as much your responsibility as your doctors'.

http://www.depressiondodging.com/

Social Assistance

Stevie Ray can really play

Just got my guitar back after it was in the shop for 10 days. The time without it was torturous because i couldn't find another guitar. I just sat there during the afternoon on my floor staring at the clock and waiting for it to be time to go to sleep. I was checking my emails like 4 times a day cause I was so bored. Actually, I had an acoustic for a couple of days, but its just not the same. My ears are too damaged to even hear it. My brain is too distorted to even like it.

Lets talk about welfare and disability. These are options for you if you cannot keep a job, find a job, or want a job, etc. We all need money for concert tickets. If you cannot work it is not your fault. If your job is too stressful and you're surrounded by assholes it is not your fault. Even sane, really smart people are having a lot of trouble finding jobs these days. Get some money from the government. We all hate doing paperwork and going to those stupid offices where you have to wait for hours, but its worth it. You can easily get information about social assistance on the internet.

www.depressiondodging.com

Spit or Swallow?

Should i take medication or not? You should decide for yourself.

Are you on medication? Do you like it? If it doesn't make you feel good it isn't working! You can try a different medication or try changing your life instead.

Are you not on meds? Does it really suck? Do you want to die? Then there is no harm in trying medication. It helps a lot of people and some people it doesn't help at all. You can take medication to get you out of a suicidal state long enough to fix your life (go back to work, go back to school, bandage your relationships). Medication is not a long-term solution, but could save your life.

"My doctor says i have to." Doctors are wrong all the time. Doctors don't have to live in your shoes. You're smart. Listen to what your doctor says, but decide for yourself.

"But if not medication, then what else?"

Socialize. Go places and meet people (have sex with them if possible). Meet people with similar interests on the internet (have any hobbies?). Go volunteer somewhere. Get a job. Everyone needs people in their lives who treats them with respect. Go find them, because they won't find you. And if you don't look hard enough, the only person you can blame is yourself. It is impossible that there is nobody on this planet like you.

Be careful Who You Tell

People do not understand mental illness. I've told all my friends and I can't help but feel like they act differently around me now. I told them hoping that they'd treat me better knowing that i'm vulnerable, but it hasn't worked out that way. Most people have this kind of "eww get away from me" reaction to mental illness. I told this girl that I loved hoping that she'd help me and she won't even speak to me now.

I'm not saying don't tell anyone, just make sure its a person you trust and respect. Even though i am not ashamed of being bipolar I don't think it is wise to tell a lot of people. On the other hand, my family and some of my friends have been very helpful so I think you should tell someone.

Bipolar disorder has a bad reputation. Just saw "Shutter Island" yesterday and this manic depressive woman kills drowns all of her children. I've never felt like drowning children...maybe if they're really annoying and don't eat their vegetables...just kidding:)

Ya, you want to be appreciated and understood for who you are, but you have a life to live in this unforgiving and unfair world and you need to be smart. Some things are better left unsaid.

Hiding is Not Fun

Unless you're playing hide and go seek with 10 of your friends.

Hit rock bottom a couple of days ago. Felt pretty horrible, but pain is the best teacher. Had some revelations recently.

You need people in your life. Its stupid to try to get through it on your own when there are so many nice people around. I've been feeling sorry for myself that i've been lonely, nobody wants to do what i wanna do, etc. But was I doing anything about my loneliness? Not at all. There are so many ways to deal with loneliness. I posted an ad on Craig's list to find musicians to play with and i've gotten some replies. I looked for bipolar meetup groups in Toronto and there is a meeting coming up soon. I've been walking the streets looking for a job and have met some nice people (and got a really shitty job, but i'm feeling pretty humble right now).

Bottom line: If you want something you have take the initiative and not give up when you keep failing. Lets say you look for a boyfriend/girlfriend on the internet and it takes you 5 years to find someone you really like that likes you back. Was it worth it? Probably.

You can't just say and do what you want all the time if you want to have friends. I just had this phase where i pretty much just gave up on life. I was like: "Fuck this, i'm sick and there is nothing i can do about so i'll just do whatever i want and people should understand". That's just retarded. When you're mentally ill you can't control everything you do everyday, but you can control 95% of it. Use yur brain. What's the problem? What would a smart person do about it? I have damaged somer elationships and now I have to fix them. If people see that you're trying, they'll give you another chance, but they won't give you 8 chances so stop being a selfish dumbass. Friends that don't understand you are better than no friends at all. In my experience, people just get mental illness and i would just keep it too myself. However, if you feel like you're going to die or really need help you should tell someone you trust and respect.

If you give up on yourself it is nobody's fault but your own.

Hope you're doing well. Are really trying as hard as you can?

Music Therapy

Hey, its been a while.

I'm finished with the website and i've moved on to something else. I'm really glad I built it and I hope its helpful.

I've been playing music obsessively for the past 2 months and I haven't been taking my medication since I started. I've been happier than i've ever been in my life. Nothing makes me feel better then writing a song. I can't say that I never feel down or angry anymore, but I feel confident that those feelings won't last long if i'm playing music. Also, for once in my life I have found an avenue where feeling fucked up sometimes is actually an asset.

The point: I think the best medicine is finding something you love in life and doing that as much as possible (easier said than done I know). Keep looking. Its your life and you only get one so don't give up on yourself and settle for a shitty life of hell.

Hopefully i'll be a huge rockstar and write songs that will empower you

Loneliness and Volunteering

I've been wanting to volunteer for a while, but today i finally got off my ass and actually looked into some actual opportunities to do so. I'm going to call a couple of places on Monday that are related to mental health.

Sitting at home all day and playing poker on the internet is a good job, but its lonely. I want to get out of the house and be around other people. A lot of people who get depressed are unemployed and doing some volunteer work is a good way to get out of the house while you're looking for a job.

Check out this article on volunteering: http://www.depressiondodging.com/fightdepressionbyvolunteering.html

In it you'll find websites that will help you find volunteer opportunities in North America. If you don't live in North America you're screwed. You'll just have to stay home all alone and think about how much life sucks. Just kidding:). You'll have to do the leg work yourself to find volunteer opportunities in your area.

p.s. You're awesome